It seems strange that after thirty years, I have finally understood something very important about my eldest son whom we lost over twenty-nine years ago. But first, some background. Tim was twenty-two when he visited us in Vienna for the first time. He was an aspiring actor and/or film maker. He had always “marched to his own drum” and I had not always responded very well to his “flakey” artist temperament. He seemed to need so much applause and could not stay focused on his education or preparation for life—except in his creative pursuits. I did not know how to support him in this and, truthfully, I questioned if his dramatic ability was enough to achieve his goals and I was concerned he would never “settle down” into a “respectable life.” Unfortunately, I was a “typical” parent of an artist.
When Tim arrived in Vienna and was unpacking his suitcase, I sat nearby in order to visit with him. I’ll never forget what he said, “Mom, I never know myself as well. . .who I really am. . . until I am playing a role on stage.” I did not know how to respond to such a strange revelation and I tried to make a humorous response, saying, “Tim, some psychologist is going to have a heyday with this!” I could not fathom how his self-knowledge was tied up into a fictional role he played on stage.
After Tim’s death, I experienced a calling from God to “find and encourage artists.” That began a twenty-nine year journey that continues today. I have learned so much about the artistic temperament and the calling from God for creatives to express their creative gift. I have read numerous books and attended an untold number of seminars about the arts. I continue to lead book studies about art and faith and seek to encourage artists—of all genres—wherever I find them. But it was not until a week ago that God revealed an interpretation of what my son was trying to tell me. He was gifted by God to perform, and when he was acting, he experienced the pleasure of the Creator God. Wow!
Ned Bustard writes, “We are to live out our callings—whether that be digging ditches or dancing on Broadway—understanding that we are weak jars of clay who must rely the surpassing power that belongs to God, and as we do so, Paul says we will see that ‘grace extends to more and more people. . . to the glory of God.’ As a kangaroo was made to hop, humans were made to give God glory by reflecting His creative image in our work, simply by being who were made to be.” That is what Tim was saying, even if he didn’t fully understand it. This is the goal of each of us. This is becoming fully human as God intended us to be.
Tim’s life was cut short by a man in a murderous rage. We will never know if he could have pursued his acting career professionally, or if it would always be in the realm of a “hobby” for him. I wish I could tell him that I understand now what he was trying to tell me. Perhaps I could have encouraged him in a much better way. My son had “stumbled” onto an eternal truth: that when we engage in the gifting God has bestowed upon us, we bring Him delight and then we are able to be fully human—just as God intended. Now, I am working on expressing God’s gifts and calling on my life. And, just like my son, when I am deep into using those gifts, I too experience that feeling of knowing whom I really am.
Thank-you, Tim, for teaching me such an important lesson. Sorry that I was so slow in apprehending the truth of your statement. I understand now—and will pursue being fully human, to God’s glory.